I still mean everything I have been writing here over the course of the last months.
It’s never too late, and I don’t believe in the concept of ‚giving up‘.
However, time won’t stop just because I try to stand still.
Space and time will continue to move under my feet.
So this is the last entry of this little diary.
Everything that had to be said, was said.
I don’t know why there are waves on Styx.
I hear them whisper thats it’s because Styx is indeed a river, not a lake.
They say Styx is fed from all the tears from the world above.
I’ve tried to swim to the shores,
but those waves hold me back each time.
There is lots to tell,
but its all just dead meat in the end,
all new acquaintances,
I’ve lost track of time,
Charon, the fucking boney prick, keeps smiling.
During exam period, when students came back to school for a short time,
I overheard one boy say to a girl next to him in the hallway:
„You darn bitch, just because you date older guys it doesn’t mean you’re an adult.“
Couldn’t hold back and burst out in insane laughter.
When I was with you at Christmas,
I was completely smashed in my mind.
Sure, I behaved like a prick,
and you rightfully remember me as such,
but frankly, most people would have behaved like me,
being in my situation.
This is not why I am writing, though.
All I remember is how incredibly lovely
you hugged me, a genuine smile,
love, true affection beyond any boundaries.
While my mind lay bare, you held me in your arms like a mother.
Almost like in Christian iconography, Mother Mary holding Christ.
(not that I’d like to imply any similarities between Christ and me)
It was then, when you directly went into my heart,
into the very last fibre.
You didn’t get me through your body,
you just loved me unconditionally, like I believe I am only
by my own mother.
You came to me in another dream tonight.
I received a letter where you tell me that you spend your Easter
time on Fehmarn (and no other info).
So naturally, I would immediatly get a car and just drive up
to the north, to find you on that island.
Why else would you write me such a letter?
I really want you to disappear out of my life, my love,
but you’re still ingrained so deeply in my heart,
that even if I totally forget you during my daily chores,
you haunt me at night.
Just no one is giving me what you gave to me on Christmas.
when I woke up today I was in tears,
because I want to thank your father.
All my memories about Christmas are so blurry,
He is a nerd, yes, he is.
But so am I.
In a way, your father is a hero to me.
What he did in his life is beyond anything I could cherish.
I cried because I remembered how me told he that
‚I could back anytime I’d be looking for a roof‘.
Your father is a grand man.
I would love to thank him somehow,
I don’t know how.
Art Against Agony will release a very special edition vinyl this summer,
and I would like to send him a copy and write a little note
on that I will always remember the time and effort he had devoted,
and that I admire his gracious spirit of hospitality.
I could just do it, send it to his name and address,
Like I always do.
But I would enter your life again.
He would mention it to you.
I don’t want to enter your life forcefully.
The love I still harbour for you doesn’t justify any means
of intruding your life again.
I don’t know if you’re actually reading any of this at any time,
but if you do,
and if you grant me your assent to sent something to your father,
please share a short notice with me somehow.
For some curious reason of fate,
I just discovered this picture now.
It didn’t show to me in the initial conversation,
but when I revisited our chat today, it popped up right in my face.
I see, you are just in the process of discovering relationship life.
You will see, soon enough, that even your current relationship
will come to an end. You will move on, or he will, or any of you
will just discover that they actually want something else in life.
This is normality.
I’ve given you roses, I wrote you songs, poems,
I would have moved to Saxony since I ended my marriage.
Since Christmas I took two months to sort my life out.
I think I did it in a rather short time.
Let me tell you one thing:
I am not Franck.
If you write me again in 30 years, having two children, leaving another man
and contacting „all of your old lovers“, please don’t expect this to work.
I am entering my 30’s soon, and I am thinking about having a family myself
within the next few years. I will never leave my children, my children will govern my life, and I will give them my life, indeed.
I am afraid that if you realize after some years, that in the end you actually
did like to be with me, and enjoy the drama in the fabric of reality,
the artistry, the density of joy and pain, life, with me…
I am afraid it could be too late.
I know, you are probably thinking of me as an arrogant asshole right now,
because you are still in love and probably still satisfied.
But I know, that love and satisfaction are not forever, and I know you will
read these words again, at a much later time.
I hope it won’t be too late.
Swallowed lots of water, its very thick, and salty.
When you refused me, I felt I met God.
For a second, I understood the universe.
Everything is nothing, and nothing is everything,
at the same time.
Yesterday a ghostly shade appeared at the cliffs
where the stairs descend from the upper world to hell.
The shade came from a country far away,
I don’t understand the language,
but I understand the meaning of an honest smile.
Took a deep breath,
swimming towards the smile.
Charon is still indifferent,
he knows I will meet him again, anyway.
Had a very sad talk with you today.
Yes, I love you.
I am trapped here,
in case you haven’t noticed that yet.
If you really don’t love me,
but want to help me out of here,
please block me everywhere.
The fire of hope will stay alive
as long as I see your smile somewhere.
Kill the fire,
and you will help me grow new life
from the ashes.
I am swimming alone
in the dark and cold waters of Styx,
clinging tightly to my memories of you,
a withering lifeline
which still connects me to world above.
I see you through milky glasses,
every second, everywhere.
I hear your voice ring in my mind, your shadow follows me to the darkest dreamlands.
I smell your scent in the mere fabric of reality.
I taste the bitter tears which I’ve caused you to shed.
Perhaps I really needed to fall
to these muddy waters
first in order to realize
that you are the love of my life.
After all I’ve said in my life to many women,
these are very magnificent words to me,
not to be spoken without utmost caution.
But you’re the only woman
I would have ever wanted to have children with.
When I carried you around on my back,
I was the happiest person alive.
To me, it’s either you or no one.
Maybe, laying in his arms,
you realize why I did what I have done to you,
maybe, breathing his kisses,
you now just feel like I felt at Christmas.
I was full of love,
both dead and alive,
so blissful, yet so broken.
Because there was someone else.
Any possible step taken being wrong,
bringing forth terrible consequences.
I needed the recent time to find myself,
take the necessary decisions with determination,
so I won’t fall back.
Yet the steps I took brought me here, still.
You’ve given your heart to someone else.
Charon passed my floating soul a few times,
his face indifferent, but knowing
that even if I refuse to join him now,
time doesn’t exist for him.
Charan doesn’t know forgiveness.
I will wait for you in these waters
as long as it takes,
staring at the blazing gates of Pandaemonium,
either until you reach out and take my hand,
or until Charon tells me that my time has come.
I have no right to ever ask for your love again,
but at least you now know where to look for me,
if you indeed love me.